Santa Is A Communist

Apologies in advance to Santa fans, believers and apologists, but he's a communist. Just a big, fat card-carrying, goose-stepping commie.

I don't make this charge lightheartedly or without just cause. Allow me to lay out the case:


THE CASE: Kris Kringle = Communist

1. His outfit: anyone who wears that much red would certainly have garnered attention from more casual observers than Joseph McCarthy. Where else can you find this much red? The old hammer and sickle flag of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, the flag of China and possibly a campy horror movie. Throw in the big, goose-stepping boots and you have yourself a bona-fide communist suspect. On we go.

2. Worker's paradise: I'm no communist expert, but I believe this is either a goal or a happy by-product of their overall ethos. The worker's paradise is where most of the workers live and work gladly for the greater good of the whole system. Having grown up at the tail end of the Cold War, it seems fitting to me that any misguided attempt at this would be in a cold environment- and the North Pole certainly counts. The elves all dress alike; working non-stop making toys for allegedly good little boys and girls. Is everyone equal in this paradise? No. Big, commie Santa drives production schedules, determining who gets what and probably keeping his big, fat, commie thumb on population control. Ewww...

3. Redistribution of wealth: Santa, as it's commonly known, travels around the world giving toys to the "good" kids and sticks or lumps of coal to the "bad" kids. This is nothing more than a central tenet of communism, whatever there is, spread it around among the peasants. That's his whole cache.

4. Power in the hands of the few: No, I don't accuse Santa of having a People's Congress or even a Politburo, Santa is a one-man power monger. He rules. Got a request? Write a letter beseeching Santa! Want a ride in a sleigh? Talk to Santa! Got a mutant, red-nosed kid who's hard-up for work? Ask Santa for a job. There's no committee, just Santa.

5. Last strikes: In no way do they further my case for Santa the communist, but they paint this rogue in a less-than-idyllic light and thus deserve fair mention as stray bullets in this character-assasination.

• Breaking-and-entering, writ large


• Commonly understood drug use (both Santa and those hopped-up reindeer) - It's commonly assumed, but rarely mentioned that he's a huge consumer of narcotics. How else can he cover the globe in one night? Santa's cousin must be part Columbian (not the coffee kind, either.)


• Overeating - Cookies, cakes, brownies, tacos - all the good stuff and plenty of it are consumed by Santa en masse on his annual hellacious trek of drug-binged continent-hopping.


• No regulatory oversight - When the elves have a beef about working conditions? To whom do they turn? Got a complaint about a deffecitve toy? You're up a creek. There is no other authority to whom you can turn! What other industry is so unincumbered?

Capitalist?
Many people confuse Santa with capitalism due to his popularity in the United States. This is simply not true. The fact that retailers benefit from his promotion is one of those queer ironies in a country full of them.

Christian?
Others confuse him as being a Christian icon. Gladly, there is no connection between Santa and Christianity except coincidence. I'd like to tell my neighbor about this as he has a plywood cutout of Santa worshipping a baby Jesus in a manger. Tacky aside, this is seriously askew. Santa represents everything that's wrong with Christmas, and maybe even the human heart's desire for more stuff.

My Story?
When I was told by my alleged parents that Santa did not exist, it took me several months to begin to trust them again. Were there secret passageways in our house? (For some reason, I believed the pinnacle of deception was "secret passageways" making it easier to get around in my world.) If there's no Santa, and there are secret passageways, what else are they not telling me? Who knows?

Then again, there's so much dis-information about Santa, who can say what he is? Anyway, I gotta go. Rudolph is on!!

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Edit: December 19th

After writing this, I tried to find my own blog by searching for "Santa is a communist". I was disheartened to find that there are literally thousands of other posts, comments, etc. pointing to the fact that Santa is a communist. Here I thought that this was an original thought. That's what I get for thinking. I guess the cops are right: the only thing that seperates us one from another is our fingerprints.